I have made it no secret on this blog that I have screwed up some relationships in my life. Screwing up in general is a habit of mine that I am constantly trying to break. When I do mess up, especially with the most important people in my life I make sure that I offer a sincere apology.

An apology is a very simple way to improve a relationship. It is a simple way to own up to a mistake, to take personal responsibility. An apology is so simple, yet it is certainly not easy.

Too often we take apologies for granted when we are offered them. Too often we apologize without even understanding what we did that was wrong. I do this a lot with my wife. I do something dumb every hour or so. That means that I know a bit about the art of the apology.

There are times when I offer a quick and poor apology to my wife for something I did that negatively impacted her, but I don’t even understand why it did. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is that I did. I offer the apology because I hope to avoid a fight and often because I just want to avoid any drama. But this does not take her feelings into account. This is me apologizing for my benefit not because I mean it.

An effective apology has three important parts that are key to owning the mistake and working to improve the relationship that was tarnished.

Here are 3 Keys to an Effective Apology:

1. I am sorry. People (especially men) will offer apologies without ever actually saying the words “I am sorry.” It is not an apology without these words. You must say them and you must MEAN them. The quicker you say these words after making a mistake the less authentic it is. Reflect on the mistake and make sure that when you utter these three words, you 100 percent believe them. If not, don’t waste the other persons time.
2. I was wrong. These three words should also be a part of the apology. Again you cannot actually say this unless you believe it and you cannot believe it unless you reflect on it. Saying that you were wrong means you must understand what it is you did and the impact it had on the other person or persons. This may require asking them to share their feelings with you.
3. What can I do to make this right? After saying you are sorry and that you were wrong, it is imperative that you specifically ask the other person what you can do so that you can all move on. When you apologize, you are asking for forgiveness. There are times when simply saying that you are sorry and that you were wrong is all the other person will need. Other times more work will need to be done or more time will be needed to move on. Respect whatever the other person needs. This apology is about them, not you. Once you make it about you it is not an apology at all.

Think about some of the recent mistakes you have made. Have you apologized to whoever you harmed? If you have, did the apology include the above 3 keys? If not, consider revisiting the mistake and offer a sincere apology.

You know what’s great about an apology? Even though it should be done for the benefit of someone else, it will also benefit you as well. It could benefit other people in your life or the other persons life. Never under estimate the power of forgiveness.

There may be times when you offer a sincere apology and follow the keys I mentioned, and yet the other person is unwilling to forgive you. This is unfortunate, but there is nothing more you can do to make them move on. You can ask for forgiveness, but you cannot force someone to forgive. Give them time. Treat them with respect and do all you can to improve the relationship. You can only control you.

Leadership and forgiveness go hand-in-hand. Personal responsibility plays an important role in both as well. As leaders we must forgive those who harm us and we must ask for forgiveness when we do someone harm. An effective apology must include this keys listen above. If not, it is not an apology at all.